The Laugh Always Spotlight Edition features guest posts from members of the Laugh Always Ambassador Community. Laugh Always has been created to highlight those difficult journeys and to celebrate the badass people that live to share their journey. I welcome you to the newest edition of the Laugh Always Spotlight!
I want to introduce you to Monica. This brave soul has come forward to share her story of a very internal battle. She shares how sometimes your biggest enemy is yourself and how life can go on after that battle – please read on for this wonderful story <3
My name is Monica Vaklinova. My story started almost six years ago when I was a 21 years old girl with big dreams and ready to work hard to achieve her dreams. Of course, that doesn’t happen the way it was supposed to. Six years ago I was one happy girl, but I was also overwhelmed. See, I am a very organized person. I love doing many things at a time. At this time I was working full time (a really responsible job). I was studying, going on courses for my driving license, taking care of my little brother, trying to spend quality time with my friends and family. And on the top of that, I found the love of my life and of course I wanted so badly to spend much time with him. You can already see the whole picture. I was walking like a zombie, tired all the time and not spending actual quality time with my closest people. I was a mess!
One night my boyfriend and I were on a vacation and I was finally happy and calm. And then I got a phone call from my mother, who was telling me that my father was in a hospital. Then I got my first panic attack. One of my biggest fears was to lose the people around me because in my history I lost a few very close to me friends. Anyway, the panic attacks were coming no matter what I was doing or not doing. Anxiety is a nasty creature, it crawls slowly into your mind. I started fearing from everything. Then came vertigo, nausea and the stomach problems. I was a ball of nerves. The anxiety was stopping from living normally. Everything was hard for me – going to work going out with friends. I started staying much more at home, I didn’t want to go out. I lived like that for years.
Almost three years ago another dark creature came into my life – the depression. My anxiety developed into a depression after problems I had in my family. I was in a cold and dark place. I can’t really explain the feeling – I was feeling too much and nothing at the same time. It was like something was in my head, someone who was pushing a switch and I suddenly I was a different person. I was scared of the dark. My head was hurting all of the time. I was crying all day and all night. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. It was really scary and strange. The strange part was I was not so unhappy with my life, but I was having suicidal thoughts all the time. I didn’t want to die, but I was so scared and hurt I wanted to end this tragedy. This was the scariest part of my life. The truth is I still get shivers when I think of this dark period of my life.
During these six years, I had a problem with eating, which developed over time. I couldn’t control myself. I was waking up every night, trembling for something sweet. And in the moment when I was putting something in my mouth, I couldn’t stop eating till my stomach started hurting. That’s how I gained 20 kilograms. It was like with depression like someone was pushing a switch in me and I couldn’t control myself. It wasn’t the kilograms that bothered me so much, but the obsession itself.
With these three conditions, it was hard to think about the future, to dream about something. My vision was blurred. I knew anxiety, depression and the eating disorder were trying to tell me something. Something wasn’t right in my life and I needed a huge change. At the end I was doing visualization, I was keeping a journal in my bag and I was carrying this journal everywhere with me. With the precious help of my family, friends, and boyfriend I changed my lifestyle totally. I moved out with my boyfriend, who really knows how to comfort me and calm me down. I started eating healthy and doing exercises every day, now I can’t imagine how I lived without this healthy lifestyle. The biggest achievement is that I finally made the step towards having a blog and pursuing my dream to help people with my writing. Of course, not everything is all pink and shiny in my life right now, but I work hard every day to achieve all I wish for.
My advice is to all beautiful people, who are suffering from a mental disease is to find the real problem and to solve it because that’s the only way to deal with the condition and to start living your dream life. You have to change the way you are thinking and acting. Start expressing yourself, tell what you are thinking about out loud, leave the job you hate or the person, who stops you from turning your life into a dream. You don’t need toxic relationships! Ask yourself what is exactly what you want from life and start believing in yourself, stop being afraid of everything! This life is to be lived without regret! Free yourself! Start your life today!
Thank you to Monica for sharing this powerful story. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to share this part of yourself with anyone, or admit that this is something you are going through. If you want to follow more of Monica, please visit one of her social media profiles and connect with her on there.